Growing Up
Thinking back on my own childhood, I remember when I got in trouble. If you knew me as a child, this was quite a bit. One thing I remember more than anything was that whenever I got in trouble my parents would almost always send me to my room. They would have me wait a while, and before anything happened, they would talk to me about what was happening. They’d ask me if I knew what I did wrong and ask me to say it back to them. They created an understanding that I knew the difference between right and wrong and that, in and of itself, was important. Before anything else happened though, they would tell me, “Brenton, I love you and this is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you.” Were my parents perfect? Absolutely not. What they were though, was consistent, loving, and truly wanted me to learn.
Let’s Be Honest
I’m guessing those of you who are taking the time to read this blog are probably a parent already. If you’re reading this blog and you’re not a parent, you can see yourself as a parent sometime down the road. With these two ideas laid out, I think that if we’re honest, we all have an idea of what we think parenting should look like. On top of that, if you’re being really honest, you may even be thinking that I don’t need anyone else to tell me how to raise my kids. Well, I guess if I’m being transparent, I think this way because when I first became a parent this is how I felt. I had well-meaning parents reach out to me to share with me books they read and things they learned about parenting over the years. While I did listen to them, I can’t say I really cared. It wasn’t that I thought I knew everything, it was simply that I know every child is different and will take their own special approach to help them grow. I also had some ideas about how I was raised, what worked and what didn’t, and the things I wanted to do as a dad versus the things I didn’t want to do. All of these ideas were shaping my parenting style, but there was a problem. I wasn’t going to be the only parent in my kid’s lives.
Don’t Parent Alone
Here is another gem that I’m sure you’ve never thought about. Are you ready for this one?
Parenting is hard.
Wow! Really? That’s the “gem” you thought of? Quite frankly, yes. Yes, it is and hopefully you laughed a little bit. Anyone who says it’s not hard is not actually parenting their kids or is lying to you. Parenting is hard and no one should try and do it on their own. I’m not saying that for those of you who are single parents, that you shouldn’t be. I’m saying not to do it by yourself. Build a community around yourself. Have other parents you can talk to and bounce ideas off of because there are times we may have the best intentions and ideas in the world, and in reality, they just don’t work. Not only that but having people we can share our frustrations with can help us navigate the tough conversations and moments better with our children.
For those of you who are married, parenting should never be done apart from the other person. You need to communicate your thoughts and ideas, listen to what the other person has to say, and be willing to adjust your ideas to mesh together. Just like a healthy marriage is built on love, communication, and trust, parenting as a team is built on these same values. We love each other, as well as our kids, and this leads us to want what’s best for them. We communicate with each other to figure out how to be on the same page and make those ideas a reality in our kids' lives, and then, we trust each other to carry out those values and disciplines for our children. When we do this together, not only does it help our kids, it models what a healthy marriage and parenting can look like, but it also helps to strengthen your marriage.
Punishment vs. Discipline
We all have our own backgrounds that we have to account for when we think about how we’ll discipline our kids. As I mentioned earlier, the first and most important step is communication as parents. The way we communicate with each other will set us up for success when it comes to the way we discipline our children. As parents, we need to talk about the ways we were disciplined as kids. Hear what worked and what didn’t, and come to an agreement on how we’re going to implement our own approach as parents. Just getting to this point can be difficult, but having these discussions before can allow us to think clearly when the time comes to actually implement the ideas discussed.
While no parent wants to discipline their children, there is value in doing it and doing it well. Scripture speaks multiple times about the importance of providing discipline for our children. Here are a few places we see this.
- Proverbs 29:17, “Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.”
- Colossians 3:21 tells us, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
- Deuteronomy 6:6-9, “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.”
While these are only three passages of Scripture, here are some nuggets I want to point you towards. First, we need to discipline our children, but we need to understand the difference between disciplining them and punishing them. This leads to the second point. Punishing our kids usually comes out of a heart of frustration, when that happens, we’re often provoking them and causing them to become even more frustrated. We have to remember that they’re kids. What they understand isn’t even close to the level of understanding you have. We shouldn’t expect them to have more self-control than we do as parents and adults, but by teaching them lessons, and modeling discipline the right way, we create examples for them to live by. Lastly, teach, teach, teach. Spend time with your children. Talk to them about the hard parts of life. Let them see when you fail and talk to them about your failures. Obviously, you need discretion with this, but that’s all part of parenting.
The definition of punishment is “suffering, pain, or a loss that serves as retribution.” On the other hand, discipline means “to train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control.” When I look at those two definitions, I see the first coming from a heart of frustration, possibly even anger. Whereas the second, I see as coming from a heart of love and reproach. One is done to control, while the other is done to influence. The latter of which we should all be striving for as parents because the reality is, that we cannot control our kids. What we can do is create influence in our children, and influence creates a relationship that allows us to continue to speak wisdom into our children’s lives well beyond the time that they spend living with us.
Practically Speaking
The reality of all of this is that it’s not easy. I’m pretty sure I said that earlier and if I were to say that parenting isn’t easy ten more times in this blog, I still wouldn’t have said it enough. If I could challenge you though with just a few steps it would be this.
- Communicate: with each other as parents and with your kids.
- Discipline, don’t punish
- Build influence, not control
Here’s where I’ll leave you. This is something I read at one point that talked about the difference between discipline and punishment for our kids. While I wish I could give credit to where I saw it, I, unfortunately, cannot, but I will say I think it provided me with some valuable wisdom that made me think about my own approach.
| Punishment | Discipline |
|
Atone for sinful past
|
Look to the future to build character
|
|
Focus on identity
|
Focus on behavior
|
|
Motivation - anger
|
Motivation - love
|
|
Fear/rejection
|
Acceptance/approval
|
|
No way out
|
Leads to restoration
|
|
Result - compliance/rebellion
|
Result - obedience
|
|
Depression/fear/anxiety
|
Growth out of security/peace
|
