"Let’s talk about sex baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let's talk about sex."
Salt-N-Pepa
If you grew up in the '90s like I did, you didn’t just read that quote—you sang it! While I’m not endorsing this song as a Christian by any means, it does highlight a simple truth: we often avoid talking about sex, especially in the church. Let’s face it, the word itself has become taboo, wrapped up in layers of societal and personal discomfort. But in the context of Christian marriage, sex is not just a good thing—it’s a sacred thing.
The Words We Use
When you think of words like spicy, hot, lover, and desire, what comes to mind? If your thoughts jump straight to sex, you’re not alone. Our society bombards us with sexual messages daily. We’ve taken words meant to express a variety of emotions and experiences and confined them to the realm of sex. Even words like gay, which used to mean happy, have been redefined. This isn’t just a matter of semantics; it reflects how we’ve distorted God’s good gifts.
Our vocabulary about sex is a prime example of this. Kids today use terms like "smash" (casual sex) and "thirsty" (a strong desire for sex) along with emojis to communicate about sex in a coded language. Parents, this is your cue: educate yourselves. Tools like Bark can help you stay updated on these evolving slang terms and monitor your child’s online activity.
Our Shaped Perspectives
Our understanding of sex is shaped by many influences: cultural messages, family teachings, personal experiences, and unfortunately, sometimes trauma. By the time we enter marriage, we may carry a mixed bag of beliefs and expectations about sex, which can lead to conflict if not addressed biblically.
I've heard it said, "The Enemy works to get us to sleep with everyone who isn’t our spouse before we’re married, and then works to keep us from sleeping with our spouse once we are married." This reflects a sad reality for many, including myself. The challenges in the marriage bed are real and can only be overcome with patience, love, and a commitment to God’s design for sex.
Intimacy Beyond Sex
The biggest misconception we often encounter is the idea that intimacy equals sex. While sex is a profound expression of intimacy, it’s not the only form. Intimacy encompasses a broad spectrum of emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness. Here are a few ways to cultivate intimacy without sex:
- Communication: Open, honest conversations about your feelings, dreams, and fears can deepen your connection.
- Shared Activities: Spending time together in activities you both enjoy fosters companionship.
- Physical Affection: Holding hands, hugging, and cuddling without the expectation of sex can strengthen your bond.
- Spiritual Practices: Praying together and discussing your faith journey can enhance your spiritual intimacy.
For more ideas, check out this list of 50 ways to enjoy intimacy without sex.
Biblical Guidance
The Bible offers clear guidance on sex and marriage. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few key Scriptures:
- Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
- 1 Corinthians 7:3-5: "The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
- Hebrews 13:4: "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."
The Impact of Promiscuity and Trauma
Promiscuity and sexual immorality can leave deep scars. The Bible refers to sexual sin as a sin against the body (1 Corinthians 6:18). This sin carries with it a unique weight because it affects us so intimately.
Trauma, too, can profoundly impact the marriage bed. Experiences of abuse or past promiscuity can create barriers to intimacy. Healing from these wounds requires time, patience, and often professional counseling. But it’s important to remember that God’s grace is sufficient for all our needs. He can redeem and restore what’s been broken.
Seeking God in Intimacy
Bruce Marshall once wrote, "The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God." This powerful statement underscores a deep truth: our quest for intimacy, even when misguided, is ultimately a search for God. God designed sex to be a sacred union, reflecting our deeper longing for connection with Him.
Sex in marriage is not just about physical pleasure. It’s about unity, love, and reflecting God’s covenant with us. When approached with this mindset, sex becomes a profound act of worship, honoring God’s design and deepening the bond between husband and wife.
Conclusion
Talking about sex within the context of Christian marriage doesn’t have to be awkward or taboo. It’s a beautiful, God-given gift meant to be enjoyed and cherished. By understanding the broader scope of intimacy, seeking healing from past wounds, and grounding our sexual relationship in biblical truth, we can experience the fullness of what God intended.
So, let’s talk about sex, baby—not just the act, but the intimacy, the connection, and the divine purpose behind it. It’s time to reclaim the conversation and celebrate the sacred gift of sex in our marriages.