This concept of Deconstruction shocks me. Each time, I hear of a longstanding, well-known Christian who has denounced their faith, I am astounded and saddened. It inevitably makes me ask, “Why?” and “How did this happen?” You don’t wake up one day after decades of faith and suddenly declare that you no longer believe in Christ. These questions almost always bring me back to an expression “there, but for the grace of God, go I.” I am no theologian, but I have struggled with my faith and learned a couple of lessons from this journey.
My Testimony
I came to Christ at 18 during my freshman year of college. I had grown up in church but only made my profession after I left the routine of church (unusual, right?). I saw my need for Christ but I did not know how to live as a Christian. So, I went back to college without the least bit of awareness of what to do next. In essence I walked away. A few years later, I made it to law school, and there I found a tribe of believers who attended a great church filled with young and old and led by a pastor who made a huge impact in the lives of these poor law school students with simple acts of kindness. I was a new believer filled with so much joy and excitement. I was eager to learn and always AMAZED when I would see God at work around me. While I was unsure of my place in the kingdom and never wanted to pray in front of others or share my opinion in Bible study, I was always ready to just go and be with other believers. I wanted to hear from them. I wanted to worship God in this new, very personal way. I gobbled up sermons from my pastor, then went in search for more. I went to the 7 am worship service on Sundays and if the message was particularly filling, I stayed for the 9 am service to hear it again! I was 21 or 22 and in law school, and I was overflowing and excited about Jesus.
Then, I got a job and work became a constant expectation and my excitement waned over about 4-5 years. A church hurt or two wounded me. I stopped studying my Bible, I stopped listening to sermons outside of church, and eventually I stopped going to church. I drifted around still professing Christ but not in relationship with Him. The cycle eventually repeated itself a couple more times. I realized that I had gone through another cycle and had reached a spiritual low last year without even being aware that it had happened. You see, I had never intentionally turned my back on Christ and had never proclaimed that I was no longer a Believer. I had simply wandered off over time...again. The most interesting thing was those around me seemed as oblivious to my drift as I was. Yet, I had allowed too many things to come in between me and the Father, and our relationship had suffered. I had even reached a point where I asked myself, “Do I really believe in the God of the Bible?” Was I finally coming to agree with that acquaintance from long ago who had declared that prayer was simply a form of “self-hypnosis” and the Christians (as well as any other religion) were making it all up?
Lesson One: Subtle Drifts are Subtle
Forgive the egocentric approach, but I believe that there are many who turn away from Christ because, like me, they were not aware of the subtle, slow drift away from a Christ-centered life. The cares of life—family, job, health, finances— require attention. God asks us to put Him first (Matthew 6:33) but Paul noted that a married person will have divided attention because of the cares of the world. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. The tension that lies between putting God first and taking care of your home is constant. It is a struggle that only increases as we begin to juggle marriage, children or leadership responsibilities. The tug of war between the earthly and spiritual concerns is ever-present and many will excuse losing the spiritual battle for a time because that is the season of life that we are in. The danger is the permissions we grant ourselves each day of that season may be the winds that carry us a little further away from God each day. We look up at the end of that season, and we have no idea of how we arrived at that place. We have wandered so far that our spirit has trouble discerning God. Yes, He’s still there but our senses are so dull that we can no longer distinguish the miracles of God from happenstance, coincidence, the force, good energy, karma, or “the universe.” In this season, drifters are most vulnerable to deny God.
Lesson Two: Focus Your Mind on God
A mind focused on God is a one that is always aware of God and aware of its proximity to God similar to a sonar in a submarine constantly sending out a pulse and incessantly scanning to see what it is nearby. The God-focused mind is the antidote to the slow, subtle drift. Colossians 3 tells us to “seek the things that are above” and to “set your mind on things above, not on things that are on earth.” (verses 1 -2.) There was a time in my life where I would wake up early and do my morning devotion. By lunch, however, I had completely forgotten the lesson because my focus shifted to the day’s agenda. Setting our minds is an intentional act that we take daily, hourly or even minute by minute. We must learn to go about our daily tasks as a form of worship and service to God and not leave God out of the small, mundane tasks that overfill our lives.
Brother Lawrence, a 17th century French monk, taught others to “practice the presence of God.” In one letter, Brother Lawrence explained that we should “above all, get a habit of entertaining yourself often with God, and forget Him the least you can.” He advocates for regular moments of quiet and worship throughout the day as well as disciplining your mind to focus on the things of God and not to get distracted. Brother Lawrence also cautioned that it takes time and patience to develop this practice and one should not be discouraged by multiple failed attempts. These failed attempts may leave us still meandering about life and longing for a closer relationship with God; however, there is one more lesson that helps course correct my spiritual journey.
Lesson Three: Remembering God Brings the Bible to Life
As a kid, I never understood why there were mile markers on the roads. Once I got older and started driving on long road trips, those silly little signs became a tool to help me gauge where I was on my journey. As Christians, we need mile markers on our journey. These are markers of events past where we have seen God move in our lives. They are a memorial to God and each one helps us to remember the role that God plays in our lives. Chapter 4 of the book of Joshua tells of Israel’s crossing over the Jordan river into Canaan, or the promised land. It is a pivotal moment in God’s covenant with Abraham as this is the land that had been promised decades earlier in Genesis. Before crossing the Jordan, a man from each tribe was to take a large stone which he would carry on his shoulder and place at Gilgal, on the other side of Jordan. Those stones would become a memorial to remind generations to come that the Lord had parted the waters of the Jordan river so that Israel could cross to the promised land. These spiritual markers are precise points in time where we have seen God intervene. They are encouragement for each of us to continue in the faith, but also tools to encourage others in their journey with God. I didn’t begin to collect markers to remember God’s movement in my life until a few years ago. These markers are life-altering as well as mundane, but they are unforgettable. They cannot be explained by happenstance, modern medicine, or the alignment of the universe, and so these markers help me definitively answer the question, “Do I really believe in the God of the Bible?”
Regardless of my doubts, questions, and wanderings, I know that Jesus has revealed Himself in my life in marvelous ways. In my low moments, I go to those markers and think about the goodness and mercy of God. I can agree with David who declared that “surely goodness and mercy shall follow me” or that “I shall not want” because “the Lord is my shepherd.” Psalm 23. Through those markers, I see the hand of God at work in my life and I can attest that the Bible IS truth, Jesus IS Lord, and I BELONG somewhere in His presence. May each of our drifts and wanderings bring us back to that same conclusion.
