Ever since I was little, fear came easily to me. I liked toys like any other kid, but going down the toy aisles in Wal-Mart freaked me out. The inanimate ones, such as action figures, were fine with me, but I always worried that some kid (or my brother) would push a button on one of those talking, blinking, demon-possessed dolls and I’d jump out of my skin. And don’t even get me started on bees or anything that made a buzzing sound for that matter. I could hear them, and I knew they could hurt me, but because I’m visually impaired, I couldn’t see them.
I think that’s the worst kind of fear: you know something’s there, but you don’t know exactly where. Where do you run when something’s constantly moving? How could I escape when cerebral palsy makes my muscles seize up when I’m nervous? Everyone tells you not to run, but that’s only natural. It’s like saying “don’t blink.”
We all have our “bees,” I guess—something that’s dangerous but unseen. It might be there and it might not. And what happens when you get stung? Will it just hurt? Will you swell up or go into anaphylactic shock? And if you do, would someone give you an adrenaline shot or will it be too late?
The Mental Merry-go-round
A few years later, when I was around ten, I graduated to more abstract fears like, “What if I get sick with one of those freak stomach bugs and embarrass myself in front of my friends?” That one might be somewhat common for the age, because it ultimately hinges on what other kids think at a time when it seems like everybody but you has it together.
Then there were worse fears too—those that formed in my head when my best friend’s brother got cancer. I’d like to think these are less common for preteens, but they probably aren’t. At some point, we all realize the world isn’t as safe as we thought it was when we were five. Before that point, I thought only old people got deadly diseases, but I suddenly understood that kids could get them too, so I worried, “What if I get cancer? What if I die?”
I guess this is heavy stuff for a ten-year-old to worry about, but I’m sure plenty of tweens these days are suddenly freaked out over pandemic viruses, hand washing and whether their masks are on tight enough. I know what that mental merry-go-round is like since I’ve been on it most of my life. But on second thought, maybe it’s more like a tilt-o-whirl continuously fed with tokens engraved with the words “what if”? A cheesy metaphor maybe, but it seems about right. Your mind spins faster and faster until you’re disoriented and panicky as the same “what ifs” cycle through your head. For you, they might be, “What if I get COVID-19?” “What if I lose my job?” “What if I can’t get unemployment?” and around and around and around.
My Personal Anecdote
So, how can we get off this ride? Maturity generally doesn’t make it easier because, as adults, we’re confronted with more tangible fears as we shoulder more responsibility. But no matter the age, we all grapple with those same insecurities and forget that we’re not alone. When you think about it, most of those “what if’s” are followed by “I,” such as, “What if I am attacked by a swarm of killer bees?” or “What if I get sick?” or even “What if I screw up?” This last question has nagged at me the most. I don’t know why it’s been such a constant for me, but I guess it stems from comparing myself to “normal” people.
When I was born, doctors told my parents that, because of my significant brain bleed, I’d probably be totally blind, unable to walk at all, and have severe cognitive delays. I know they were just giving Mom and Dad worst-case scenarios, and by God’s grace, those didn’t happen. Sure, I’m visually impaired, but have useable close-range vision and use assistive technology to help me see distances. I have cerebral palsy, but I can walk relatively well with a cane. And I definitely don’t have cognitive delays. My cognition is what started that merry-go-round in the first place.
Because of these hurdles, I’ve always felt like I had to be just as good as everyone else at things I enjoyed. This might sound like a positive, but when the fear of not measuring up to “normal” people creeps in, you freeze under pressure of some imaginary standard you’ve put on yourself.
But, in all of the scary scenarios I invented in my head, it’s me fighting alone against something that may or may not exist, and God and the people He’s put in my life tend to get crowded out by my self-centeredness.
As long as I focus on what I can’t do, I’ll prove myself right. If, for example, I say I can’t drum as well as Ringo because my muscles are too weak, then I’ll sit there paralyzed, clinging to the restraining bar as the tilt-o-whirl spins. My Dad always told me, “Just play anything. Who cares what it sounds like!”
I still don’t know why I was scared of “looking stupid” in front of my family. I guess I thought they would be disappointed in me or mad if I didn’t do something “well,” whatever that meant. But Dad was right: playing something badly wouldn’t hurt me. No one would remember it, so what was there to be embarrassed about? To help me get past this, Dad put on the easiest, slowest and most boring drum parts known to man. I could play those with no problem, and before I knew it, I was playing in front of people, even if they were just Mom and Dad at the time.
Now, nearly twenty years later, I play at Bay Life, where my audience has grown to two thousand, and, incidentally, I now know many more songs than “Desperado” and “Take it to the Limit.” (No disrespect, Eagles fans.)
Peace in the Midst of Fear
But just so we’re clear, none of this would have happened without my family backing me, and I wouldn’t even be here if God hadn’t defied the odds with a one-pound baby born at twenty-five weeks.
We all need to remember that, no matter what we’re going through, there will always be someone to help us slow down the tilt-o-whirl and lead us safely onto sturdy ground, even when we have every reason to fear and doubt.
Jesus addressed these fears in Matthew 6 when He said, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For…your heavenly Father knows that you need [these things]. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (verses 31-33, NIV).
Jesus isn’t saying here that we won’t have problems in life if we “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness.” Instead, He wants us to focus on Him and what He’s given us, trusting that He knows what we need in the hard times, and knowing He’ll guide us through them. For example, my anxiety and paralyzing self-doubt didn’t last forever, and this pandemic won’t either, but God, his forgiveness, and our ultimate home with Him definitely will.
God knows our fears. They don’t freak Him out or take Him by surprise. Maybe that’s why He says “Fear not” nearly 365 times in the Bible, instead of “What’s wrong with you” or “Get over it.”
As someone who has had to navigate life with cerebral palsy and the anxiety that accompanies it, I want to encourage you to rest in Jesus and not be paralyzed by what might happen, but live in the hope of what He’s promised, and know that you’re accepted by God the Father—not because of anything you’ve done, but because of what His Son did for you on the cross.
An original version of this article appeared on pathmadeclear.com
