Last month, I had the opportunity to officiate the marriage of a wonderful young couple as they said their vows in front of family and friends. Before the wedding, I like to ask the couple to give me a list of the 10 things they love most about their future spouse. I always enjoy giving others a glimpse of the couple’s love by sharing a few of these items during the ceremony. I tell them that these lists represent the heart of each person. What I’ve noticed over time is that there are two paths your heart can take after marriage. The first is those feelings can fade. We can hardly imagine this happening as we get married, but slowly, gradually, until one day, we wake up asking, “Who is this person next to me?” or “What have I done?” The second path is the one where love grows deeper, develops further, and matures in ways you never expected. One day, you look at your spouse and realize, "I never knew I could love this person this much."
As those of us who are married can attest, the emotions and feelings we had in that moment at the altar don’t stay the same. I believe they will go up or down depending on the foundation you build your marriage on and the amount you invest in each other.
In Luke 6:47-49, Jesus tells a parable of two builders, one wise and one foolish. The wise builder builds his house on rock, a solid foundation, while the foolish builder builds his house on sand. As we see in Luke, the wise builder is the one who listens to Jesus’ words and acts upon them, making Jesus his foundation. Each house looks secure in good weather. It is only in the bad weather that the quality of the work of these two builders is revealed.
Take a moment and ask yourself these questions:
- How much time are we spending in our marriage encouraging and fostering each other’s spiritual growth?
- How are we leaning into Jesus together now so that when the storms come, we will understand we can trust Him to see us through?
Song of Solomon 2:15 says, “Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes, that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom.” The vineyard represents the relationship, and the foxes are the things that seek to destroy it. In other words, how are you protecting and providing for your marriage to grow and blossom? What are the little things that can harm your marriage? I think one of those “foxes” is the demands of daily life. The temptation can be to drift toward where we become co-managers of the family. Asking the question, what needs to be done this week to survive? Who needs to take this kid to this activity—sorting out the details, meals, schedules, and budget? But, if we are not careful, those tasks and routines can become the center of our relationship, and our love for each other can start to fade.
The beginning of the year is always a great time to take a temperature check on your marriage. Take some time to look at the year ahead and think through how you want to rekindle this fire. Evaluate how well you are investing in or pursuing each other.
Today, January 8, Nichole and I will celebrate 31 years of marriage. I can honestly say that if I were to write my top 10 list for her today, it would look radically different in some areas than it did when we got married. There are aspects of her that I treasure so deeply now, yet I would not have even been able to imagine them back in 1994 standing at the altar.
We have recently entered the “empty-nester" stage, where our kids are grown and out of the house. We no longer have to run our kids to everything or make their activities the center of our calendar. While we loved that stage of our lives, we are now in a new one. As I sit across a quiet dinner table from Nichole, I realize that I am more in love with her now than I ever dreamed possible, and we just have so much fun hanging out together. I am so grateful for the foundation we have built and for the ways we have intentionally pursued each other over the years.
Take some time to write out the top 10 things you love about your spouse. How has that list changed over the years? Hopefully, it’s grown in ways that bring gratitude. Share those lists with each other and talk through how to make changes to your schedules or routines to strengthen your foundation and continue to pursue each other.
May God bless your marriage richly this year.
